Lonely Housewife, Loyal Customer

Female voice on telephone: Hello, Miss Fabulous? (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent)

Me: Yes.

Rhonda: This is Rhonda with DirecTV and I was calling to tell you an offer we currently have for our loyal customers. This call may be monitored for quality assurance…

Me: Why? Did someone tell you I was difficult? Is there a note on my account or something?

Rhonda: Um…

Me: It’s okay, it’s not your fault. Could you remove the note? I swear I will be nice.

Rhonda: *nervous chuckle* There is no note. That is just something we say to everyone.

Me: So, it’s not even true? I wish you wouldn’t mess with my head like that, Rhonda.

Rhonda, Oh no, of course not. Here, let me have you talk to Steve.

Steve: Miss Fabulous! 

Me: Oh geez.

Steve: The calls are monitored for your protection, Miss Fabulous, I do apologize if we have been bothersome in the past, I will only take a moment of your time.

Me: I have four kids here.

Steve: If this is a bad time we can call back at a more convenient time?

Me: Oh no, I just meant you might like to talk to one of them. They like to talk on the phone.

*very long pause*

Me: I’m kidding. Go ahead and sell me something.

Steve: *more nervous chuckles* I’m calling today because you have been such a loyal customer, we want to offer you a new package absolutely free…

Me: Me? That’s amazing! The other customers will be so jealous. But Steve, I have to tell you something. 

Steve: *outright laughing* Okay, let’s hear it.

Me: I haven’t been that loyal. I talked to a guy from Dish Network the other day. Nothing happened. We just talked. I didn’t do anything. I mean. Ya know. Yet. He’s a real sweet talker…

Steve: Did he offer you nine free channels? Because I’m offering you nine free channels. For 3 months. All you have to do is say yes.

Me: And remember to cancel after three months so I don’t get charged my firstborn’s college tuition for nine channels I will rarely watch?

Steve. Well, yes. If these channels don’t *satisfy* your entertainment needs.

Me: Steve! Scandalous!


Me: Steve, I was never interested in Dish Network. I just said that to keep you on your toes. 


It’s a Thursday afternoon and the kids are napping. It was this, or clean again.




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